a beautiful goodbye.

Dear twenties,

Today is my last day with you. What a trip it's been. I'm not even sure I can remember all that's happened in the last ten years, but I'm going to try anyway. I promise I won't write it all down - most will stay in my head. :)  Birthdays always make me sentimental, nostalgic and introspective. It's just how my mind, or my heart rather, work. 

The year I turned twenty I was a sophomore in college. I was in a relationship that became the biggest heartbreak of my life. I'll be honest, that one felt like it was going to kill me, and it did kill my spirit for awhile. The great thing is that it didn't last and during the next year I had some really wonderful friends that made me see the true value of myself. I came out of that experience a stronger person, still believing in love, and ready to open up to it again.

In my early twenties I met Seth. From just about the first night we hung out together we knew it was the real thing. I could barely wait to get engaged and married. We were married in August 2006 and we bought our first house in May of that year. We are still in that "first house" but it has served us well and will always be a part of our life together. The early years of our marriage were fun and just what I wanted. In no rush to have kids and not even sure if we wanted them, we went on vacations and more than a few concerts. Friends got married, jobs for myself changed, we bought new cars. I met new friends and reconnected with old ones. It was about 4 years into our marriage when I really started to get the baby itch. It came on fast and then it was all I could think about. Seth took some convincing, but he relented (twice) and we were somehow blessed with two beautiful, lively little kids that make every day an adventure. Being a parent is more than I can put into words. I can't even try right now.

The past decade has been full of change. I became a wife and a mother, two major milestones in anyone's life. I have fallen down and grown up in both areas. I know I still have far to go. So many experiences and years of love and life. These have been good years but I am ready to move on to the next ten, or thirty, and see what lies ahead.

And so, in the words of a song that I loved at probably around age twenty:

a beautiful goodbye, baby goodbye
i enjoyed the ride, we really had a us a time
it's a strange kind of high
a beautiful goodbye

Thanks for the good times twenties.

Sincerely,
Kristen

being a good mom. {what it means to me}

I was going to say "being a healthy mom" but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the words are basically interchangeable in my head right now.  What does it mean to be a good mom?  I'm sure most people would agree on some of the same ideas....loving, caring, engaging with your child, teaching them new things, etc.  Right now for me though, being a good mom also means being a healthy mom and being a healthy mom encompasses my spiritual, mental, emotional and physical well being.  I've really been focusing lately on how that looks in my life.  I don't want to just survive through the days of life with young children.  I want to be present.  Of course not all days go according to plan.  In fact, I just suffered through 30 minutes of an exercise DVD (while sick) with multiple interruptions complete with a crying episode.  Why?  Because I did not give Delia what she wanted right at that moment.  At times like that I think, it's just not worth trying to fit in a workout when these are the consequences.  And then I automatically disagree with myself.  Because it IS worth it.  The benefits of extra energy, improving my body physically plus the self confidence boost I get just by sticking to a routine for myself are very worth the 30 minutes of typical toddler behavior.  I'm not able to workout every day, but if I aim for it, I can usually do 5 out of 7 days.  I've also realized that being a good mom actually requires a small bit of selfishness.  I know this sounds contradicting.  Parenting is self sacrificing every day, every night but sometimes, if only for a half hour, it's good to demand a small amount of me time.  This coming week I'm starting my first yoga class.  I'm excited and nervous.  I've always wanted to do it and just never got around to it.  I think maybe it's time to do something for myself though, so that I can be better for my family.  I see yoga as having 2 benefits.  The obvious is that it's good for my body.  The second is that it allows me an hour of me time each week, and I can mentally focus inward.  I have a natural tendency to get worked up quickly, and I'm thinking this might help me defuse that at least a little bit.  I'll update on that after a few classes.  I know there will still be many days when I'm just counting down the hours until bed time because no one got enough sleep the night before, all I've heard is fighting and crying, and I just don't want to do what I"m expected to do.  In fact, I had one of those weeks last week.  So please realize how totally imperfect I am at this job.  Becoming a parent doesn't mean all your old tendencies just disappear.  Over time they pull at you less often, but I'd be lying if I said that I don't wake up some days and just wish that I could stay right there in bed and do nothing.  I love my children to the moon and back, and I wouldn't change their existence but I need to take a moment each day for myself if possible.  Some days that might be as little as drinking a cup of coffee while it's still hot or maybe I just sit and read instead of folding that laundry.  Admittedly, during my rough week last week, I read a lot and it helped to lose myself in someone else's world.  The point is, no matter what it looks like in my life, I want it to exist.  That way I can be a better version of myself and therefore a better mom for my babies.  This is an idea that is still evolving for me....but I can't wait to see where it goes. 

2014 non resolutions.

It's that time of year again, when everyone is spouting off New Year's resolutions which typically include joining a gym, getting in shape, eating better, etc etc.  Honestly, yeah I'd love to look awesome in my bathing suit come June but let's be real.  It's probably not happening this year.  And I'm okay with that.  I'm not typically one to make resolutions because I feel as though I'm setting myself up to fail.  Not so great.  Truthfully, I have been thinking on the topic for a couple days though, and I've come up with some things that I wouldn't mind working on or changing for the long term.  Here's my list of non resolutions:

1. Let go of 2013.  It's been a hard year.  Even though things are better now, I keep finding myself looking back and thinking "a year ago this was happening" or "this time last year I was a wreck".  It's true, I was a wreck and I'm not now.  So why do I keep thinking about it?  I'm in a much better place now with "life" in general and I'm ready to let go of what was.  That leads into...
2. Be happy with where I'm at.  My life right now is a stay at home/work at home mom of 2 little children.  It is messy and hectic, loud and sometimes obnoxious.  There are days I want to run away and not come back and there are days I love it.  Many, many times I have said "I'm going to lose it" and sometimes I do.  But then I regroup and move on.  Because that's what you do, every day if you have to. 
3. Be excited about turning 30.  So this is the year I leave my 20's behind.  I'm not scared or nervous or worried.  I have high hopes for the next decade.  
4. Have more fun/be less grumpy.  I can be really grumpy.  Seth always tells me I am and I can't honestly deny it.  It's one thing to have your husband tell you that but it's another when your almost 3 year old says "you're a grumpy mommy". :( So, I'm done with that crap.  There's really no reason for it. 
5. Accept what I'm good at (and not good at).  I'm going to lay it out there.  I'm not good at meal planning or cooking awesome "made from scratch with organic ingredients" dinners.  I'm not good at getting up early, showering and dressing before the kids even stir.  I'm not good at keeping a spotless house and I'm not good at hosting.  I am good at snuggles in my bed until 8am, pancake and bacon breakfasts, creative ideas even if I don't want to follow through with them.  I'm good at offering advice and perspective on topics to other moms if they ask and keeping up with friends.  
6. Be comfortable with my body most times I look in the mirror.  I'm not perfect and I don't look at myself perfectly.  It's been said over and over, on every mommy and baby blog, but having a child changes your body and unless you were blessed with awesome genes, most people have to work hard to get anywhere close to what they had before.  Throw in the fact that I've had 2 babies in 2 years, and it's even harder.  Do I wish I looked differently?  Sure.  If I put more effort into it, would it help?  Probably.  Someday I might, but today, this is what I am.  
7. Take better care of my teeth.  I had let too much time pass between dentist appointments and unfortunately I'm paying for it now.  I can't teach my children good/healthy habits if I'm not displaying them though.  
 

I think I'll let it at that.  I don't want to give myself too many things to fall over.  I really hope everyone has a Happy and Blessed 2014, and if you do make resolutions, I hope you are successful in reaching your goals.  

hallelujah.

I've seen this version of  Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah all over facebook this Christmas season and I absolutely love it.  I know it's been quite some time since I posted (even more so on this blog) but this is my welcome back.  Merry Christmas and may we all remember what the real reason is for this holiday. 

 

I've heard about this baby boy

Who's come to earth to bring us joy
And I just want to sing this song to you
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
With every breath I'm singing Hallelujah
Hallelujah

A couple came to Bethlehem
Expecting child, they searched the inn
To find a place for You were coming soon
There was no room for them to stay
So in a manger filled with hay

God's only Son was born, oh 

 The shepherds left their flocks by night
To see this baby wrapped in light
A host of angels led them all to You
It was just as the angels said
You'll find Him in a manger bed
Immanuel and Savior, Hallelujah
Hallelujah

A star shown bright up in the east
To Bethlehem, the wisemen three
Came many miles and journeyed long for You

And to the place at which You were?
Their frankincense and gold and myrrh
They gave to You and cried out Hallelujah
Hallelujah

I know You came to rescue me
This baby boy would grow to be
A man and one day die for me and you
My sins would drive the nails in You
That rugged cross was my cross, too
Still every breath You drew was Hallelujah
HallelujahHallelujah
Hallelujah

 

thoughts of randomness.

This morning we are being lazy.  Seth went fishing and I didn't have the energy to get myself and Delia ready and to church on time.  Plus, I've been taking advantage of her sleeping until 8 this week.  Since my nights are now interrupted with several trips to the bathroom and much tossing and turning, the extra sleep has been needed. 

A couple weeks ago we were at Ollie's and they had a triple feature Veggies Tales DVD for about $5.  Since we didn't own any, I bought it for Delia.  What a mistake.  It is the only thing she wants to watch.  As a parent, there's only so much Madame Blueberry and Esther you can take.  :/ 

Living on one income means letting go of certain "luxuries" you used to have with two incomes.  For me, that has been shopping for the sake of shopping.  I've really had the urge the past 2 days to just go shopping and buy some things for myself, but of course that's not really an option.  I hope the urge passes soon.

Delia is really turning into a goofy little girl.  Occasionally she will makes faces or sounds, or just do things that are just funny.  She's also trying to repeat more words in the past few weeks.  I can't believe how much she's growing up.  She's not very shy, will "talk" to most people we see and loves the water, bubbles and climbing on things.  She keeps me busy. 

troubles.

Sometimes I feel like the only consistency in my life is my relationships.  I mean if I had to choose, I would want that to be it, but it can be frustrating when it seems that other things are always changing.  My working outside the house to "stay at home mom" status seems to be one of the things that flip flops back and forth which makes me hate to talk about it.  I've been trying hard to make something work where I'm not away from my daughter.  For whatever reason, in my life at this time, it's not working.  I hate that.  I hate that I can't make it work.  I hate that it's not easier for mothers to just stay home with their children.  It used to not even be an issue.  Now it's nearly impossible for some people.

So that being said, I am yet again job searching.  I don't know how hard it will be now that I'm pregnant although I'm hoping that will not affect my chances too much.  I did have an interview yesterday morning and I'm waiting expectantly for a call back.  I can only hope it's that easy though.  In the meantime, I guess I'll just focus on the relationships.

cliches.

Tonight I was making dinner in our hot kitchen, listening to Delia play in the living room and then later washing all the dishes by hand (because we don't have a dishwasher) and it occurred to me that I was quite literally "barefoot and pregnant".  The funny thing is, as I thought about it I realized I was perfectly happy as well.  There are so many ways that my life could be better by the worlds standards, but I am content right now, today, and in this moment.  I have so much to be thankful for. 

pausing for a moment.

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new."  - Rajneesh

There are many times when I think on my time spent being a mother thus far and the many years I have ahead of me.  So many words come to mind to describe what it's like, but in reality, you can't explain it to another person fully.  They have to experience it for themselves.  I feel that it's quite obvious through my life how much I love being a mom and I can only hope and pray that my children will always feel that and see it reflected in my eyes. 

Happy Mothers Day.

she knows who i am.

So, of course Delia knows who I am.  I carried her for 9 months, gave birth to her, nursed her, rocked her in the middle of the night, etc.  But now, after trying for quite some time, she finally addresses me as "mama".  Not only that, but she yells it when she's hungry or mad or upset.  Funny.  It seems like so long I waited for her to say it, and now I'm afraid it's all I'll hear.  Still brings a smile to my face.  :)

new baby.

Well, the news is officially out.  Yes, we are expecting again!  Instead of turning this blog into all things baby, I have decided to create and dedicate a new blog to that.  So if you are interested in reading about my pregnancy you will find it here:

http://turkeyontheway.blogspot.com/

:)

a happy birthday.

On Saturday was my husband's 30th birthday.  One pro to being married to an "older man" is that he will hit the milestones before me.  :)  For those of you who don't know Seth very well, he's not big on celebrations.  He doesn't like to be the center of attention and he definitely doesn't like to make a big deal about his own birthday.  I asked him a few times if he wanted something this year since it was his 30th and he told me no every time.  Sooo, I listened.  He spent most of the day doing one of his favorite things:  fishing (with no complaining or nagging about it from me).  At night we went out to dinner at The Texas Roadhouse (also a plus for me since it's one of my favorite restaurants too).  At this point I veered from his request slightly.  I had arranged for his family and part of mine to gather at our house while we were out.  His *surprise* was ice cream cake with them when we got back.  Nothing major but still a small celebration of this man and what he means to all of us.  I'm not one to get publicly mushy about him, and I don't plan on doing that now, but I will say a few things about him and us. 

We sort of have this joke between us that "we got married in a fever...."  Seth and I met in May 2005, were basically inseparable after a date or two, engaged by January 2006 and married in August of that same year.  We both knew pretty instantly that we wanted to be together and we didn't see any point in waiting to be married.  Our years together have been up and down as relationships typically are but mostly filled with good.  Seth is a lot of things that I'm not.  He's calm, patient and tends to be more reserved.  He has a knack for making me laugh even if I'm mad at him.  He doesn't take life too seriously.  He is a great provider, partner, friend and confidante.  I have never for a second regretted my decision to live life with him.  And now for some mush...I know I don't say it often enough but Seth, I love you and I love our life together.  Happy 30th Birthday (a few days late).  I look forward to many more milestones together. 

in loving memory.

Almost a year into our marriage, Seth and I decided we would like to get a dog.  He always had one growing up and with him being away a lot for work, I wanted the sense of security that comes from owning a large breed dog.  We both readily agreed on a black lab and after a little debate, named him Tucker.  We had no clue what we were getting ourselves into and somehow ended up with a very health challenged, high maintenance animal.  Oh he had the usual puppy stages that they all go through (and somehow managed to survive without losing too many shoes and socks) but he also had chronic diarrhea, colitis, allergies and skin sensitivity and eventually seizures.  He was diagnosed as epileptic and we were told nothing could be done to stop his seizures but we could try to control them.  Hence the beginning of about 4 years of blood tests, medications and seizures.  It's a terrible thing to see your pet go through these things.  The first few before he was on any kind of med were the worst.  They lasted long, created a huge mess at whatever part of the house he was in and he would bark and growl at us afterwards, not recognizing who we were.  These symptoms did improve after he was on a therapeutic level of drugs but no matter how much it was increased, his seizures still increased.  By this past year, he was beginning to have clusters of about 5-6 seizures in a 30 hour period followed by a week of abnormal activity.  By abnormal I mean that he was in his own little twilight zone....bad balance, blank stare, etc.  Our vet kept assuring us his quality of life was "good" but we never felt comfortable with that analysis.  We could see what it was doing to him.  Physically he was aging drastically (despite his young years), he never wanted to do much anymore and his body was being wracked by these seizures every 3-4 weeks.  With a week of recovery, that only gave him 2 weeks at most with no problems.  It was a terrible decision to make and it took us awhile to make it, but we feel confident that it was the right choice.

This is in loving memory of our dear beloved Tucker.  He was a loyal, sweet, smart and friendly dog.  He loved us and he loved Delia.  We are very sad to see him go, but we will remember him as a part of our family always.

Playing Catch Up

I have failed miserably at keeping this blog up to date.  I know it's been at least 4 weeks since I last posted.  I kept thinking, must write about Delia's first birthday, but then it came and went and I just got caught up in the busyness of life.  Let's see if I can just give a brief catch up with some the highlights. 

1.  Delia is one!  We had a great celebration with family on the day of her birthday since it fell on a Sunday.  I had a Minnie Mouse themed party for her.  She loved her cake, was spoiled rotten by everyone and overall, had as much fun as a one year old can, I think.  No tears were shed by mom, but it did cause me to remember in vivid detail the moments surrounding her birth.  I can't believe how quickly the year went and that she is getting so big.

2.  Valentine's Day.  It's never a big deal for Seth and I.  This year we made a delicious steak dinner at home.  We exchanged cards and small gifts (flowers for me and a Phillies freezer mug and new coasters for him).

3.  My birthday.  I am now 28....sounds old in my head.  My birthday fell on a Saturday so we spent the day together as a family.  We had to make a trip to super Walmart so on the way we drove around Lancaster county looking for snow geese.  I also admired the farms and homes that I someday would like to own.  Just a dream...  That night my inlaws watched Delia so Seth and I could have a date night.  We went to Red Lobster, always my restaurant of choice for a birthday meal.  It was delicious and very much enjoyed.  Oh, and Seth bought me the Kindle Touch which I was so excited about!

4.  I finished The Hunger Games series.  Some of you may be wondering why this deserves a highlight and I assume it is those of you who haven't read the books.  Seriously, READ THEM.  They are fantastic.  I can't wait to see the first movie later this month.

5.  Babysitting.  While I'm not working outside the home, I've been doing a little bit of babysitting.  On Thursdays I watch my two nephews for a few hours and on Fridays I watch my friend's little girl.  Her and Delia are only 6 weeks apart in age so they have fun together.

And honestly, that's all I can think of right now.  We've had some really nice weather in the past few weeks so I will try to get out for a walk if that's the case.  It makes me ready for Spring though.  We haven't had much snow at all this past Winter, but I'm ready for some steadily warmer temperatures.  Hopefully they are in the not so distant future!

cherishing the "lasts"

I don't recall where I read this, but I do remember reading it.  Someone had suggested that while you watch your child(ren) grow up, don't just concentrate on their "firsts" but also their "lasts".  It's so exciting to see your baby grow into a toddler (and onward, I imagine) that you can lose those last precious moments without even realizing it.  I've tried to make a conscious effort to record as much as I can in a notebook to later document in a book I have for Delia.  You think you will remember the exact date and time that your child either did something for the first OR last time, but I'm sure it will elude you the more memories you have to hold.  The "firsts" are easy to notice....first smile, first time clapping, first tooth, etc.  The "lasts" become a little more difficult to pinpoint.  Did I realize the last time she would wake up in the middle of the night to nurse?  Did I enjoy every second of the last time she nursed ever?  Did I know this would be the last time she fit into that adorably cute outfit I love so much?  I try to pay attention to these kinds of things in the time frame that they might occur, but it's hard to know.  I do know one thing for sure right now.  Yesterday was the last time she had a bottle.  I was coming to the end of the can of formula and being just a few days shy of her first birthday, I didn't want to buy more.  So, I picked up some whole milk at my trip to the grocery store on Monday evening and this morning she had her first sippy cup of milk, bringing an end to the season of bottles.  I'll admit, there are a lot of pros to giving up the bottle.  I hate washing those things, buying formula and having to make sure I always have enough with us should we leave the house.  At the same time, it's just one more step from babyhood to toddler-hood and each of those steps seem to be very bittersweet. 

a domestic housewife = perfection.

You might think that you'd have MORE time when you're not working.  The exact opposite is true for me.  Remember that "toddler" I was talking about?  Well, she's become a wrecking ball.  That's what Seth nicknamed her the other night.  She's everywhere and into everything.  I'm actually quite pleased that we have a small house during this time of her life.  While in some ways it might be nice to have a little more room for her to run herself tired, it's nice having a small area to keep her in.  It means LESS mess to clean up.  I'm really enjoying being home with her though.  My life has been overtaken by purely domestic duties and I am happy with it.  Okay, so I still don't love to cook, but at least I now have time to do it and we are eating before 7-7:30 each (read most) nights.  Maybe it won't last and maybe I'll get bored (I don't foresee it but you never know) but for right now, it's perfect.   

growing up.

This morning while drinking my semi-cold cup of coffee and "facebooking", I watched Delia occupy herself with one of those learn to walk push toys.  She got it for Christmas from Nana and Pop Pop (my parents) and while she's played with it here and there, she's never spent this much time with it until today.  She talked and laughed to herself, pushed it around into the couch and wall and figured out how to back up or turn it in the direction she wanted it to go.  It's then that I realized how big she really has gotten.  She's definitely out of newborn and infant stage.  She's a toddler now.  She's walking and exploring things on her own.  She's getting into my kitchen cabinets, trying to climb up stairs and destroying every room she's in.  She laughs at the dog.  She tries to immitate some of the sounds and words that I say.  She kisses me goodnight.  She's far from the tiny little 7 lb baby I brought home from the hospital.  She will always be my baby though.  It's now that I understand why parents hold on to their children as tight as they can.  I know it's a ways off, but how will I ever let go?   

first week home - halfway over.

We are on day 3 of of our first week of "stay at home mom" status.  My life previous to this week was exhausting and I have to admit, not much has changed.  I find things to be just as exhausting, except in a different way.  Delia decided to christen our new schedule (which we are still trying to work out) by several hours of awake time on Sunday night.  I knew something was wrong with her but I didn't know what.  No fever, no vomiting, nothing.  We snuggled on the glider and then on the couch together, she played for about 20 minutes and then she fell back to sleep.  Monday morning she was whiny.  That paired with her coughing and a constant runny nose prompted me to take her to the doctor, just to make sure.  Turns out she has a slight case of bronchiolitis and a right ear infection.  BIG sigh.  I guess those tubes won't keep infections at bay.  Sickness means ear drops and antibiotics.  Antibiotics means diarrhea and that means bad diaper rash and disposable diapers.  I know it's necessary, but I hate when she's on antibiotics.  I hope that they clear things up quickly and we get back to regular life soon.

In all the craziness that was Monday, I completely forgot that I was supposed to make a meal to a friend who recently had a baby.  I feel SO awful about it.  In my mind, I kept thinking Wednesday and obviously I was wrong.  Fortunately, she was very understanding and I will be taking a meal to her today instead (ha, Wednesday).

I managed to fit in a 30 day shred yesterday!  I have not worked out in a long time so I know the pain that accompanies a new exercise routine will hit me soon.  I felt a few small twinges this morning but it usually takes a good 2-3 days for the full body pain to settle in.  From past experience, I just need to get through and the good stuff will follow. 

The fact that my job ended still doesn't feel final.  It doesn't seem like I won't be going back after a week of vacation or something.  I'm thrilled that I'm not, but it's a strange feeling.  I'm not focusing on it, but I thought it was worth a mention.  I'm so happy to be home with my daughter.  I love not having to rush around in the morning, squeeze in dr appointments before work and be overwhelmed by having dinner on the table every night (to name a few).  This is a very different life but one I am welcoming with open arms.  

why i breastfed my daughter.

Recently, for whatever reason, I've seen and heard a fair amount of negative reactions to breastfeeding and doing so in public.  I know it's a controversial topic so I don't plan on getting into that aspect, but it's caused me to reflect on my experience and so I decided to share a little bit of it with you.

To say that I chose to breastfeed Delia (and any future children) is not entirely true.  To "choose" implies that I carefully calculated my options and decided that breast milk was the best kind of food for my baby.  The latter part is true, but the action of feeding her this way is not something I chose, but rather just did.  I never considered another option.  When my OB office asked me at my first prenatal visit whether I planned to breastfeed, I was prepared with a quick "yes".  I grew up surrounded by women who fed their children in this completely natural and intended way.  My mom nursed 11 babies and I also witnessed several aunts and family friends nurse their babies as well.  It was always assumed that I would do the same.  I'm thankful to say that Delia and I didn't have many issues creating this relationship.  She was a trooper from the start, ate well and gained weight which means my body was producing enough.  There's something to be said for being the sole source of nutrition for your baby.  It's something to be proud of.  Now here's where my brutal honesty comes in.  I did not immediately feel that bond that I kept hearing about.  Breastfeeding wasn't quite exactly what I thought it would be.  Early on, I found myself frustrated and not believing that I could make it to 6 months (my true goal) or even 4 months.  It only got harder when I went back to work and had to pump 2-3 (sometimes 3-4)  times a day.  I can't begin to explain the emotional and physical exhaustion that comes with meeting that need for your baby.  I was on call 24/7.  I was the one to do the night feedings because really, is it worth it to have my husband give a bottle of pumped milk when I still had to get up and pump?  After 9 months of carrying my baby inside me, I dreamt of having my body back to myself.  That doesn't happen while breastfeeding.  Your body still belongs to your baby.  I couldn't wear all the same clothes that I could wear normally.  I was always thinking about what people I would be around and how easily it would be to nurse in a specific location.  I'm sure a part of that was first time mom uncertainties and I hope that with my next baby, I will feel more at ease.  Not to mention having to lug a pump around with you everywhere.  I remember sitting in the back of our car in a sketchy philadelphia parking lot outside an Eddie Vedder concert.  It definitely wasn't fun, but it was necessary.  At one point I happened upon an article online that made me rethink my attitude.  It wasn't about me.  It was about her.  Her needs and health.  It put everything in perspective for me and gave me that extra push to get through to 6 months.  I'm sad to say that I started to have some supply issues despite my attempts to keep things going.  I even ate oatmeal every day and took fenugreek.  I finally hit a breaking point with stress and I knew I had to switch her to formula.  That's when those crazy emotional ties that I didn't think I had to breastfeeding came to light.  My husband and a few friends will tell you that I was a wreck inside.  It took me a good two weeks to accept what was happening and allow the weaning process to take place.  The first day that Delia had a bottle of formula, she didn't even bat an eye.  Fortunately, I didn't have to be there to witness it but all these fears I had created somewhere in my mind where null and void.  She was adaptable from birth, I knew this, and she was fine.  In a matter of a couple more weeks, I was fine too.  Although looking back, I wish I could have gone longer, I have no regrets.  I walked away from this experience with an idea of what to do next time around if I have to be working full time again.  My wish is that I won't have to do that but I know it's a very real possibility.  In any case, I know that I will breastfeed my next child regardless of how long it lasts. 

closing out.

With the crazy busyness of Christmas and having a child for the first time during the holidays, I didn't get a moment to jump on here.  I truly hope you enjoyed spending time with family and friends and celebrated the holiday in whatever fashion you chose to.  It was fun in our house.  Seth joked that we made it through without me getting mad at him.  I tend to have high expectations of holidays (think Clark Griswold in Christmas Vacation) and if things don't go the way I want them to, my temper just might flare.  I think all my expectations were set aside this year though based on the fact that you can't always plan when there's a baby involved.  Schedules get rearranged and you're forced to change right along with them.  Christmas day was a little more exhausting then it could have been but it was a good day in all.  I know Delia will be more involved next year but that didn't detract from this year.  She was showered with more toys than she needs and now she isn't sure what to play with at home.  It's sort of funny to watch.   

As we rapidly approach the end of 2011, I can't help but think of what's to come.  I'm looking forward to many things in 2012 which for me will really start the day I finish at work (only 5 more days, but who's counting?).  One thing I'm excited about is the opportunity to exercise again.  It's one of those areas that I have to work at, in the beginning anyway, but once I get into some sort of routine it's nice.  I had been going to the gym through the 2nd trimester of my pregnancy with Delia but as soon as this time last year rolled around, I stopped.  I got busy and tired.  Then February was upon us, Delia was born and my 6 weeks with her were up before I knew it.  There was no way I could fit a workout routine into my day when I was already juggling being a new mom, working full time, breastfeeding exclusively and still keeping up with my jobs at home.  I joined weight watchers and lost the extra weight but I never got back to a place where I felt "fit".  All that being said, it's high on my list for January.  I do realize that "getting in shape" is very cliche for a new year's resolution so that's why it's not one in my case.  Instead, it's a "now I will have time so I'm going to do it" situation.  Knowing that it's in the near future makes me smile.   

2011 has been a good year, but I think 2012 will be even better. 

changes.

Two weeks ago I found out some news that I've been hesitant to share.  I almost fear that by announcing it, it won't come true.  My very vague ":)" on Facebook led everyone to believe that I was expecting again.  I'm not (although I wouldn't be upset if I was) but it IS something that makes me very happy.  I'll preface this by saying that most people would not see this as a good thing, but in my particular life at this particular time, it's perfect.  So now that I have your attention and the anticipation built up, here it is...

The first week of January will be my final days at my current employer and by default, I will become a stay at home mom (if only temporarily).  I am thrilled.  Since having Delia, working full time has been my greatest struggle.  My measly 6 week maternity leave made me angry and upset and although I've learned (sort of) how to work and be a mom and wife, it's not my ideal life situation.  Paired with the fact that my job has changed drastically in the past 12 months, there have been coworker issues, and I don't have very busy days, I've been pretty miserable.  A couple months ago I was at such a low point that I almost quit on several occasions.  Realistically, I knew a layoff was somewhere in my future so I stuck it out and I'm glad I did.  I'm leaving on good terms with my bosses and holding excitement for whatever comes next in my life.  I'm so happy to have time to spend with my sweet daughter, especially as she nears her first birthday.  Better late than never. 

This is probably the best Christmas present I could have received this year.