a beautiful goodbye.

Dear twenties,

Today is my last day with you. What a trip it's been. I'm not even sure I can remember all that's happened in the last ten years, but I'm going to try anyway. I promise I won't write it all down - most will stay in my head. :)  Birthdays always make me sentimental, nostalgic and introspective. It's just how my mind, or my heart rather, work. 

The year I turned twenty I was a sophomore in college. I was in a relationship that became the biggest heartbreak of my life. I'll be honest, that one felt like it was going to kill me, and it did kill my spirit for awhile. The great thing is that it didn't last and during the next year I had some really wonderful friends that made me see the true value of myself. I came out of that experience a stronger person, still believing in love, and ready to open up to it again.

In my early twenties I met Seth. From just about the first night we hung out together we knew it was the real thing. I could barely wait to get engaged and married. We were married in August 2006 and we bought our first house in May of that year. We are still in that "first house" but it has served us well and will always be a part of our life together. The early years of our marriage were fun and just what I wanted. In no rush to have kids and not even sure if we wanted them, we went on vacations and more than a few concerts. Friends got married, jobs for myself changed, we bought new cars. I met new friends and reconnected with old ones. It was about 4 years into our marriage when I really started to get the baby itch. It came on fast and then it was all I could think about. Seth took some convincing, but he relented (twice) and we were somehow blessed with two beautiful, lively little kids that make every day an adventure. Being a parent is more than I can put into words. I can't even try right now.

The past decade has been full of change. I became a wife and a mother, two major milestones in anyone's life. I have fallen down and grown up in both areas. I know I still have far to go. So many experiences and years of love and life. These have been good years but I am ready to move on to the next ten, or thirty, and see what lies ahead.

And so, in the words of a song that I loved at probably around age twenty:

a beautiful goodbye, baby goodbye
i enjoyed the ride, we really had a us a time
it's a strange kind of high
a beautiful goodbye

Thanks for the good times twenties.

Sincerely,
Kristen

being a good mom. {what it means to me}

I was going to say "being a healthy mom" but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the words are basically interchangeable in my head right now.  What does it mean to be a good mom?  I'm sure most people would agree on some of the same ideas....loving, caring, engaging with your child, teaching them new things, etc.  Right now for me though, being a good mom also means being a healthy mom and being a healthy mom encompasses my spiritual, mental, emotional and physical well being.  I've really been focusing lately on how that looks in my life.  I don't want to just survive through the days of life with young children.  I want to be present.  Of course not all days go according to plan.  In fact, I just suffered through 30 minutes of an exercise DVD (while sick) with multiple interruptions complete with a crying episode.  Why?  Because I did not give Delia what she wanted right at that moment.  At times like that I think, it's just not worth trying to fit in a workout when these are the consequences.  And then I automatically disagree with myself.  Because it IS worth it.  The benefits of extra energy, improving my body physically plus the self confidence boost I get just by sticking to a routine for myself are very worth the 30 minutes of typical toddler behavior.  I'm not able to workout every day, but if I aim for it, I can usually do 5 out of 7 days.  I've also realized that being a good mom actually requires a small bit of selfishness.  I know this sounds contradicting.  Parenting is self sacrificing every day, every night but sometimes, if only for a half hour, it's good to demand a small amount of me time.  This coming week I'm starting my first yoga class.  I'm excited and nervous.  I've always wanted to do it and just never got around to it.  I think maybe it's time to do something for myself though, so that I can be better for my family.  I see yoga as having 2 benefits.  The obvious is that it's good for my body.  The second is that it allows me an hour of me time each week, and I can mentally focus inward.  I have a natural tendency to get worked up quickly, and I'm thinking this might help me defuse that at least a little bit.  I'll update on that after a few classes.  I know there will still be many days when I'm just counting down the hours until bed time because no one got enough sleep the night before, all I've heard is fighting and crying, and I just don't want to do what I"m expected to do.  In fact, I had one of those weeks last week.  So please realize how totally imperfect I am at this job.  Becoming a parent doesn't mean all your old tendencies just disappear.  Over time they pull at you less often, but I'd be lying if I said that I don't wake up some days and just wish that I could stay right there in bed and do nothing.  I love my children to the moon and back, and I wouldn't change their existence but I need to take a moment each day for myself if possible.  Some days that might be as little as drinking a cup of coffee while it's still hot or maybe I just sit and read instead of folding that laundry.  Admittedly, during my rough week last week, I read a lot and it helped to lose myself in someone else's world.  The point is, no matter what it looks like in my life, I want it to exist.  That way I can be a better version of myself and therefore a better mom for my babies.  This is an idea that is still evolving for me....but I can't wait to see where it goes.