a beautiful goodbye.

Dear twenties,

Today is my last day with you. What a trip it's been. I'm not even sure I can remember all that's happened in the last ten years, but I'm going to try anyway. I promise I won't write it all down - most will stay in my head. :)  Birthdays always make me sentimental, nostalgic and introspective. It's just how my mind, or my heart rather, work. 

The year I turned twenty I was a sophomore in college. I was in a relationship that became the biggest heartbreak of my life. I'll be honest, that one felt like it was going to kill me, and it did kill my spirit for awhile. The great thing is that it didn't last and during the next year I had some really wonderful friends that made me see the true value of myself. I came out of that experience a stronger person, still believing in love, and ready to open up to it again.

In my early twenties I met Seth. From just about the first night we hung out together we knew it was the real thing. I could barely wait to get engaged and married. We were married in August 2006 and we bought our first house in May of that year. We are still in that "first house" but it has served us well and will always be a part of our life together. The early years of our marriage were fun and just what I wanted. In no rush to have kids and not even sure if we wanted them, we went on vacations and more than a few concerts. Friends got married, jobs for myself changed, we bought new cars. I met new friends and reconnected with old ones. It was about 4 years into our marriage when I really started to get the baby itch. It came on fast and then it was all I could think about. Seth took some convincing, but he relented (twice) and we were somehow blessed with two beautiful, lively little kids that make every day an adventure. Being a parent is more than I can put into words. I can't even try right now.

The past decade has been full of change. I became a wife and a mother, two major milestones in anyone's life. I have fallen down and grown up in both areas. I know I still have far to go. So many experiences and years of love and life. These have been good years but I am ready to move on to the next ten, or thirty, and see what lies ahead.

And so, in the words of a song that I loved at probably around age twenty:

a beautiful goodbye, baby goodbye
i enjoyed the ride, we really had a us a time
it's a strange kind of high
a beautiful goodbye

Thanks for the good times twenties.

Sincerely,
Kristen

being a good mom. {what it means to me}

I was going to say "being a healthy mom" but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the words are basically interchangeable in my head right now.  What does it mean to be a good mom?  I'm sure most people would agree on some of the same ideas....loving, caring, engaging with your child, teaching them new things, etc.  Right now for me though, being a good mom also means being a healthy mom and being a healthy mom encompasses my spiritual, mental, emotional and physical well being.  I've really been focusing lately on how that looks in my life.  I don't want to just survive through the days of life with young children.  I want to be present.  Of course not all days go according to plan.  In fact, I just suffered through 30 minutes of an exercise DVD (while sick) with multiple interruptions complete with a crying episode.  Why?  Because I did not give Delia what she wanted right at that moment.  At times like that I think, it's just not worth trying to fit in a workout when these are the consequences.  And then I automatically disagree with myself.  Because it IS worth it.  The benefits of extra energy, improving my body physically plus the self confidence boost I get just by sticking to a routine for myself are very worth the 30 minutes of typical toddler behavior.  I'm not able to workout every day, but if I aim for it, I can usually do 5 out of 7 days.  I've also realized that being a good mom actually requires a small bit of selfishness.  I know this sounds contradicting.  Parenting is self sacrificing every day, every night but sometimes, if only for a half hour, it's good to demand a small amount of me time.  This coming week I'm starting my first yoga class.  I'm excited and nervous.  I've always wanted to do it and just never got around to it.  I think maybe it's time to do something for myself though, so that I can be better for my family.  I see yoga as having 2 benefits.  The obvious is that it's good for my body.  The second is that it allows me an hour of me time each week, and I can mentally focus inward.  I have a natural tendency to get worked up quickly, and I'm thinking this might help me defuse that at least a little bit.  I'll update on that after a few classes.  I know there will still be many days when I'm just counting down the hours until bed time because no one got enough sleep the night before, all I've heard is fighting and crying, and I just don't want to do what I"m expected to do.  In fact, I had one of those weeks last week.  So please realize how totally imperfect I am at this job.  Becoming a parent doesn't mean all your old tendencies just disappear.  Over time they pull at you less often, but I'd be lying if I said that I don't wake up some days and just wish that I could stay right there in bed and do nothing.  I love my children to the moon and back, and I wouldn't change their existence but I need to take a moment each day for myself if possible.  Some days that might be as little as drinking a cup of coffee while it's still hot or maybe I just sit and read instead of folding that laundry.  Admittedly, during my rough week last week, I read a lot and it helped to lose myself in someone else's world.  The point is, no matter what it looks like in my life, I want it to exist.  That way I can be a better version of myself and therefore a better mom for my babies.  This is an idea that is still evolving for me....but I can't wait to see where it goes. 

2014 non resolutions.

It's that time of year again, when everyone is spouting off New Year's resolutions which typically include joining a gym, getting in shape, eating better, etc etc.  Honestly, yeah I'd love to look awesome in my bathing suit come June but let's be real.  It's probably not happening this year.  And I'm okay with that.  I'm not typically one to make resolutions because I feel as though I'm setting myself up to fail.  Not so great.  Truthfully, I have been thinking on the topic for a couple days though, and I've come up with some things that I wouldn't mind working on or changing for the long term.  Here's my list of non resolutions:

1. Let go of 2013.  It's been a hard year.  Even though things are better now, I keep finding myself looking back and thinking "a year ago this was happening" or "this time last year I was a wreck".  It's true, I was a wreck and I'm not now.  So why do I keep thinking about it?  I'm in a much better place now with "life" in general and I'm ready to let go of what was.  That leads into...
2. Be happy with where I'm at.  My life right now is a stay at home/work at home mom of 2 little children.  It is messy and hectic, loud and sometimes obnoxious.  There are days I want to run away and not come back and there are days I love it.  Many, many times I have said "I'm going to lose it" and sometimes I do.  But then I regroup and move on.  Because that's what you do, every day if you have to. 
3. Be excited about turning 30.  So this is the year I leave my 20's behind.  I'm not scared or nervous or worried.  I have high hopes for the next decade.  
4. Have more fun/be less grumpy.  I can be really grumpy.  Seth always tells me I am and I can't honestly deny it.  It's one thing to have your husband tell you that but it's another when your almost 3 year old says "you're a grumpy mommy". :( So, I'm done with that crap.  There's really no reason for it. 
5. Accept what I'm good at (and not good at).  I'm going to lay it out there.  I'm not good at meal planning or cooking awesome "made from scratch with organic ingredients" dinners.  I'm not good at getting up early, showering and dressing before the kids even stir.  I'm not good at keeping a spotless house and I'm not good at hosting.  I am good at snuggles in my bed until 8am, pancake and bacon breakfasts, creative ideas even if I don't want to follow through with them.  I'm good at offering advice and perspective on topics to other moms if they ask and keeping up with friends.  
6. Be comfortable with my body most times I look in the mirror.  I'm not perfect and I don't look at myself perfectly.  It's been said over and over, on every mommy and baby blog, but having a child changes your body and unless you were blessed with awesome genes, most people have to work hard to get anywhere close to what they had before.  Throw in the fact that I've had 2 babies in 2 years, and it's even harder.  Do I wish I looked differently?  Sure.  If I put more effort into it, would it help?  Probably.  Someday I might, but today, this is what I am.  
7. Take better care of my teeth.  I had let too much time pass between dentist appointments and unfortunately I'm paying for it now.  I can't teach my children good/healthy habits if I'm not displaying them though.  
 

I think I'll let it at that.  I don't want to give myself too many things to fall over.  I really hope everyone has a Happy and Blessed 2014, and if you do make resolutions, I hope you are successful in reaching your goals.  

hallelujah.

I've seen this version of  Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah all over facebook this Christmas season and I absolutely love it.  I know it's been quite some time since I posted (even more so on this blog) but this is my welcome back.  Merry Christmas and may we all remember what the real reason is for this holiday. 

 

I've heard about this baby boy

Who's come to earth to bring us joy
And I just want to sing this song to you
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
With every breath I'm singing Hallelujah
Hallelujah

A couple came to Bethlehem
Expecting child, they searched the inn
To find a place for You were coming soon
There was no room for them to stay
So in a manger filled with hay

God's only Son was born, oh 

 The shepherds left their flocks by night
To see this baby wrapped in light
A host of angels led them all to You
It was just as the angels said
You'll find Him in a manger bed
Immanuel and Savior, Hallelujah
Hallelujah

A star shown bright up in the east
To Bethlehem, the wisemen three
Came many miles and journeyed long for You

And to the place at which You were?
Their frankincense and gold and myrrh
They gave to You and cried out Hallelujah
Hallelujah

I know You came to rescue me
This baby boy would grow to be
A man and one day die for me and you
My sins would drive the nails in You
That rugged cross was my cross, too
Still every breath You drew was Hallelujah
HallelujahHallelujah
Hallelujah

 

thoughts of randomness.

This morning we are being lazy.  Seth went fishing and I didn't have the energy to get myself and Delia ready and to church on time.  Plus, I've been taking advantage of her sleeping until 8 this week.  Since my nights are now interrupted with several trips to the bathroom and much tossing and turning, the extra sleep has been needed. 

A couple weeks ago we were at Ollie's and they had a triple feature Veggies Tales DVD for about $5.  Since we didn't own any, I bought it for Delia.  What a mistake.  It is the only thing she wants to watch.  As a parent, there's only so much Madame Blueberry and Esther you can take.  :/ 

Living on one income means letting go of certain "luxuries" you used to have with two incomes.  For me, that has been shopping for the sake of shopping.  I've really had the urge the past 2 days to just go shopping and buy some things for myself, but of course that's not really an option.  I hope the urge passes soon.

Delia is really turning into a goofy little girl.  Occasionally she will makes faces or sounds, or just do things that are just funny.  She's also trying to repeat more words in the past few weeks.  I can't believe how much she's growing up.  She's not very shy, will "talk" to most people we see and loves the water, bubbles and climbing on things.  She keeps me busy. 

troubles.

Sometimes I feel like the only consistency in my life is my relationships.  I mean if I had to choose, I would want that to be it, but it can be frustrating when it seems that other things are always changing.  My working outside the house to "stay at home mom" status seems to be one of the things that flip flops back and forth which makes me hate to talk about it.  I've been trying hard to make something work where I'm not away from my daughter.  For whatever reason, in my life at this time, it's not working.  I hate that.  I hate that I can't make it work.  I hate that it's not easier for mothers to just stay home with their children.  It used to not even be an issue.  Now it's nearly impossible for some people.

So that being said, I am yet again job searching.  I don't know how hard it will be now that I'm pregnant although I'm hoping that will not affect my chances too much.  I did have an interview yesterday morning and I'm waiting expectantly for a call back.  I can only hope it's that easy though.  In the meantime, I guess I'll just focus on the relationships.

cliches.

Tonight I was making dinner in our hot kitchen, listening to Delia play in the living room and then later washing all the dishes by hand (because we don't have a dishwasher) and it occurred to me that I was quite literally "barefoot and pregnant".  The funny thing is, as I thought about it I realized I was perfectly happy as well.  There are so many ways that my life could be better by the worlds standards, but I am content right now, today, and in this moment.  I have so much to be thankful for.