why i breastfed my daughter.

Recently, for whatever reason, I've seen and heard a fair amount of negative reactions to breastfeeding and doing so in public.  I know it's a controversial topic so I don't plan on getting into that aspect, but it's caused me to reflect on my experience and so I decided to share a little bit of it with you.

To say that I chose to breastfeed Delia (and any future children) is not entirely true.  To "choose" implies that I carefully calculated my options and decided that breast milk was the best kind of food for my baby.  The latter part is true, but the action of feeding her this way is not something I chose, but rather just did.  I never considered another option.  When my OB office asked me at my first prenatal visit whether I planned to breastfeed, I was prepared with a quick "yes".  I grew up surrounded by women who fed their children in this completely natural and intended way.  My mom nursed 11 babies and I also witnessed several aunts and family friends nurse their babies as well.  It was always assumed that I would do the same.  I'm thankful to say that Delia and I didn't have many issues creating this relationship.  She was a trooper from the start, ate well and gained weight which means my body was producing enough.  There's something to be said for being the sole source of nutrition for your baby.  It's something to be proud of.  Now here's where my brutal honesty comes in.  I did not immediately feel that bond that I kept hearing about.  Breastfeeding wasn't quite exactly what I thought it would be.  Early on, I found myself frustrated and not believing that I could make it to 6 months (my true goal) or even 4 months.  It only got harder when I went back to work and had to pump 2-3 (sometimes 3-4)  times a day.  I can't begin to explain the emotional and physical exhaustion that comes with meeting that need for your baby.  I was on call 24/7.  I was the one to do the night feedings because really, is it worth it to have my husband give a bottle of pumped milk when I still had to get up and pump?  After 9 months of carrying my baby inside me, I dreamt of having my body back to myself.  That doesn't happen while breastfeeding.  Your body still belongs to your baby.  I couldn't wear all the same clothes that I could wear normally.  I was always thinking about what people I would be around and how easily it would be to nurse in a specific location.  I'm sure a part of that was first time mom uncertainties and I hope that with my next baby, I will feel more at ease.  Not to mention having to lug a pump around with you everywhere.  I remember sitting in the back of our car in a sketchy philadelphia parking lot outside an Eddie Vedder concert.  It definitely wasn't fun, but it was necessary.  At one point I happened upon an article online that made me rethink my attitude.  It wasn't about me.  It was about her.  Her needs and health.  It put everything in perspective for me and gave me that extra push to get through to 6 months.  I'm sad to say that I started to have some supply issues despite my attempts to keep things going.  I even ate oatmeal every day and took fenugreek.  I finally hit a breaking point with stress and I knew I had to switch her to formula.  That's when those crazy emotional ties that I didn't think I had to breastfeeding came to light.  My husband and a few friends will tell you that I was a wreck inside.  It took me a good two weeks to accept what was happening and allow the weaning process to take place.  The first day that Delia had a bottle of formula, she didn't even bat an eye.  Fortunately, I didn't have to be there to witness it but all these fears I had created somewhere in my mind where null and void.  She was adaptable from birth, I knew this, and she was fine.  In a matter of a couple more weeks, I was fine too.  Although looking back, I wish I could have gone longer, I have no regrets.  I walked away from this experience with an idea of what to do next time around if I have to be working full time again.  My wish is that I won't have to do that but I know it's a very real possibility.  In any case, I know that I will breastfeed my next child regardless of how long it lasts.